There is nearly nothing more competitive than backyard kickball. Backyard Kickball is more than just an activity, or a barbecue game with friends. Kickball is a lifestyle. It serves to reward the winner with the one thing most valuable in a friendship, bragging rights. Bragging rights is worth more than money, it serves as an invaluable method of claiming dominance over your lackluster buffoonish peers. Here I will tell you how to draft the perfect backyard kickball roster, so you will not be on the devastating and tragic side of bragging rights.
Keeping with standard backyard barbecue kickball rules, you will draft a team of 6. Here is how to nail all 6 picks in your highly competitive, backyard barbecue kickball game.
1) With the first pick you want to draft Brett. This should be the most athletic guy there. And No, it is most certainly not you. You have only been chosen captain because either you are hosting or you brought the beer. There is always at least one guy in every kickball game that is too athletic to be playing. Unlike you, Brett actually kept up with the P90X program for more than two weeks. That is the guy you want to draft. He will be a pain in the ass to play with because he will constantly be showing off in front of your girlfriend, but Brett will help you win.
2) Because the other captain was a pathetic little wiener and just drafted his wife, you have the advantage. Now you want to target Simon, he is small, quick, and was picked on in high school. You know who I’m talking about. Simon will play with a chip on his shoulder, for all the times he was picked last in middle school kickball. Simon will be the stereotypical backyard kickball hardo, but make no mistake, he will play with a passion and determination that will lead you to victory.
3) Now is the time to draft Victoria. The hottest girl at the party, Victoria will be a strong addition to your squad for numerous reasons. She will encourage the other members of the team to play hard in order to impress her. Not only that, but she will get on base often. As she kicks a little dribbler to the pitcher, the pitcher will pretend to juggle or overthrow the ball, just so he can watch her run over to first. Chances are, she will end up on base. Motivating your team while motivating the other team to let her on base? She may as well just end up as MVP.
4) In order to complete a dynamic lineup, you are going to want to draft Dave. Dave, the overweight guy eating his third hot dog, is going to make a surprising contribution to your team of studs. Everybody has a Dave at every barbecue. Dave can shotgun four beers in less than a minute, and top it off with a hamburger. On top of being the defacto funniest guy on your team, he will be your power hitter. Dave has the largest legs and can drive a kickball the furthest out of anyone. Although it is all or nothing with Dave, as he would rather suffer losing bragging rights than run the 50 odd feet to first base, with Brett, Simon, and Victoria getting on base every time, you can afford to take the chance that Dave unleashed all 320 pounds of his weight on that little partially deflated kickball.
5) Finally, now you draft Steve. Steve was in the bathroom while the draft was going on, so you kind of forgot about him. But he will be an absolute steal with the last pick of the draft. Steve played Varsity baseball in high school, so he will be able to throw a kickball accurately from the outfield. Besides his accuracy, Steve does everything else to mediocrity. He will not hurt nor help your team’s run production. Steve is an attractive guy who can help to keep Victoria interested in the game. Steve is the perfect way to finish off a dominant draft.
6) That’s you, dumbass.
Well here you go. You are welcome. By following this invaluable guide, you will no longer have to suffer through being on the wrong side of bragging rights. You now reign supreme over your friends. Your electric squad of Brett, Simon, Victoria, Dave, Steve, and yourself will not lose a single backyard barbecue kickball game. I can guarantee you that.
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